Book Review: Endure by Kelly McCoy

Endure: A Memoir of Grief, Resilience, and Love by Kelly McCoy

Kelly McCoy's life was turned upside down when his 23-year-old son Cooper died by suicide in 2023. To help deal with the situation, he started writing a blog about his thoughts and feelings during the time between the death of his son until a year later. This book reprints the blog entries (with some guest posts by his wife Victoria, Cooper's mom). They did not realize Cooper was dealing with depression until after he died, making the situation very hard situation. As a former firefighter, McCoy had dealt with a lot of crisis situations and worked to build resilience in desperate situations. But his own crisis, his own desperation, were much harder to deal with. He describes his struggle to understand what happened and why it happened and to deal with the painful flood of emotions and memories. The death of any child or young adult is a tragedy, even more so to the surviving parents.

His account is touching as he tries to sort out his new life without his son. Some coping mechanisms are better than others. With only a year he does not work everything out. The process is life-long, so that's okay. His openness to find a better place, to get through the process, is a consolation to others who are on similar paths. It's not always easy to read and he does lean into cliches at times, but that is part of the process. 

I have mixed feelings about this book. One the one hand, I am entirely sympathetic and his son's situation sounds a lot like my son's (though we were aware of my son's mental health struggles). On the other hand, a lot of the things he goes to are a bit cliched (like looking to eastern mysticism for answers) and seem superficial. The road he is on is so hard though, often we grab at anything. Finding the true thing is the real challenge.

Mildly recommended--it's a tough look at the toughest to times for a father.

Book Review: When a Loved One Dies by Suicide by E. Shoener et al.

When a Loved One Dies by Suicide edited by Deacon Ed Shoener and Bishop John P. Dolan and published by the Association of Catholic Mental Health Ministers

With the death of our son Jacob, we have been looking out for resources to help deal with the loss. Several people recommended this book (with its accompanying video series) for a contemporary Catholic viewpoint. While Church teaching has not changed on suicide, understanding of the nuances of situations has increased. In many cases, mental illnesses and psychological disorders have a dramatic impact on the freedom people exercise in making choices. With a firm eye on pastoral concerns, this book provides ideas and examples to help those grieving the loss of a loved one to suicide.

Each chapter focuses on one person's experience dealing with the loss of a loved one. No one has an easy time, though often the hardships show up in surprising ways. Sometimes co-workers or friends become more distant or act as if nothing has happened. But for the grieved everything has changed and feelings of guilt and abandonment can be exacerbated. The person explains how they have processed their thoughts and emotions, coming to a better place after the shock and horror of the first days, weeks, months, and even years after the loss.

While the book is focused on Catholic teachings, perspectives, and experiences, a lot of the content is valuable to anyone dealing with the suicide of a loved one. The people talk about understanding the mental state and challenges their loved ones faced (many struggled with depression or bipolar disorder). They struggle to understand why God would allow this to happen and what does it mean for their own lives. This book gives pathways to hope, to peace, that don't require membership in the Catholic Church (though certainly fellow Christians can follow 90 per cent of the way). We are Catholic and found it helpful, though the road ahead is long.

The book has a video series that goes with it on the Formed streaming service.