Sunday, December 12, 2010

Zombie Job: Christmas Cookie Maker

Having recently re-watched Shaun of the Dead, I think every now and then about appropriate jobs for zombies. In case you haven't seen the movie and don't mind a pretty large spoiler (skip to the next paragraph if you don't want the end of the movie spoiled), at the end of the movie the zombies are integrated into society and given the sort of mindless jobs at which they would excel: collecting shopping carts from the parking lot, delivering newspapers to homes, playing wing man for video games.

One potential job that we tried out this weekend (and by "we" I mean my wife, my sister, and my niece): making Christmas cookies. Surely this is only seasonal work, but it would provide the next logical job after collecting the fall harvest and working at the Halloween haunted house. There are several steps to making the cookies.

The first step is making the cookie dough. This step requires some precision measurements and following the recipe in proper order, which may be too much for a mindless zombie. First problem is the lack of dexterity or coordination in measuring and mixing ingredients. Second is following proper order. Third is the concern for zombie bits getting mixed in. If you think finding a hair in your food is nasty, wait until your gingerbread man has an real finger! So this step is no good for zombies.

The second step is to bake the cookies. Cutting out fun shapes seems pretty easy. We had a little panic in our house when we couldn't find an oven mitt. Surely a zombie would have come in handy here. No worries about burns for the undead, right? Taking pans in and out of the oven aren't so hard. Someone would have to monitor when the cookies need to come out, of course.

The third step is to decorate the cookies, like so:

For this step, great results require a great eye, sense of style, and memory of what Christmas cookies are supposed to look like. The zombie decorator would never come up with these fabulous results:

The fourth step is handing out the cookies, which should be pretty easy for a zombie and always results in a satisfied customer:

That looks yummy!
Cookies taste much better than brains!
Her lips were turning blue, but only from the icing, we swear!
In conclusion, I don't think a zombie would be particular good as a Christmas cookie maker, but could serve much better as a sous-chef. A better seasonal job would be one of those Salvation Army bell ringers.

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